fact and fiction work as a team

Chest tight, dry throat, stuffy nose. I'm awake, but asleep. It's just before eight in the evening and I still feel the Nyquil I took last night. I don't handle being sick very well. Thank goodness it only happens once a year or so.

Most other random flashes of discomfort over the last six months I can probably attribute to work. When I was getting started, the anxiety level (plus all the caffeine I ingested) manifested itself daily in unannounced, sporadic shots of pain down my lungs. As I relaxed and acclimated to the workload, the pain went away. Now the workload's increasing, the projects are getting more complicated. It's good because it's challenging and puts me out of my comfort zone. It's bad because the anxiety and the bad habits are creeping back in, only now they're heightened against the backdrop of the economic situation and segment reorganization -- it's not a question of if, but when and who's leaving.

This climate makes certain things look "good" and "bad." A manager made abundantly clear this afternoon that asking my teammates' help for 2 hours every month with a particularly time-consuming distribution project (which would take over 4 hours alone) is now "bad" because it makes it look like we have too much time on our hands. Not like anyone could call or email the ever-present Blackberry if they needed urgent assistance -- or just be old-school and show some patience. Gotta stick around and be there in person, I guess.

Strong divergence from the message heretofore of "try not to worry about reorganization -- it's out of your hands anyway. Keep doing the work you're doing." Projecting personal fears of what may happen onto the audience they've told to avoid doing the same. It was the most belittling moment in an experience that's otherwise been overwhelmingly positive. Suddenly, everyone else's responsibilities became far too important to be bothered with selflessly pitching in and helping out.

saying i'm happy when i'm not

I feel so sad lately. I don't have a good reason to -- there's enough going right that I should be pretty happy. My life seems like a puzzle. The edge pieces are in place: family is wonderful, work is good, money is great. Alas, so many of the pieces in the middle are missing.

I'm trying to stay in touch with the area, but a few people are doing their best to make it difficult. Friends back in the area miss me, but not enough to call. My new co-workers are great, but they don't know me very well and I'm scared that once they do, they'll be less great. I have a home I'm embarrassed to come home to. My roommates are just ridiculous. #1 lost her job last week over the dumbest "should have known better" thing, #2 is inexcusably lazy, #3 has a full-blown crush on me (it's a longer story that I'm going to bother articulating, but it's definitely nowhere remotely near as bad as the last time it happened. Although you'd think I'd have learned better from past experiences.)

And I feel like at the rate I'm going, I'm never going to have a girlfriend again. I'm closing in on 3 1/2 years this month since my last relationship ended. Me and her are still friends, but regrettably it's been with benefits for far too long. That immediately complicates things should I actually meet a girl. But the only girls I ever meet are co-workers, friends of co-workers, etc. and it's territory I'm apprehensive about entering. Another small problem: I don't have what people often refer to as "game." I'm pretty much the anti-game. I always feel bewildered when any attractive woman makes eye contact, smiles at and/or chooses to talk to me, and I feel like that always shows through. Maybe that's what I get for befriending a bunch of Disney geeks.

I hate that I feel really alone right now, and I don't know how to fix it.

goodbye to all that

• Happy I got out.
  
• In love with my new role.
  
• Happy I finally work with people who care about their jobs.
  
• Happy I can afford food, odds & ends, and occasional good times.
  
• Happy the only console I'm working these days is a Wii.
  
• Unimpressed with the aforementioned chosen one's job performance, but...
  
• Happy it further illustrates the utter incompetency of management.
  
• Reestablishing good habits, thanks to a regular schedule.
  
• Grateful that my weekend now falls on the weekend.
  
• Eyes on a new TV and a new place.

Gripes:

• The apartment. It's a step above the old, but I'm not staying long.
  
• Roommates. Don't get me started.

things to do...

...when passed up for a promotion:

• Sit in stunned disbelief.
• Listen to “feedback.” Reject “feedback” completely.
• Ask for honest freedback, knowing full well you’re not getting any.
• Get a response of “I can’t say” when you ask who’s getting the promotion instead. (You’ll find out thru the grapevine later.)
• Try to carry on like it doesn’t bother you.
• Walk aimlessly backstage. Curse profusely. Throw things.
• Think about the ramifications.
• Think about what everyone’s going to say.
• Think about the people who made the decision, and what it implies about how they must really feel about you (in spite of anything they’ve told you).
• Look back on how hard you’ve worked, and what an obvious choice you thought you were.
• Remember all the times you supported management on things you couldn’t possibly disagree more with.
• Remember every issue you confronted and every challenge they gave you, and how you rose to the occasion every time, without fail.
• Realize that your bosses are spineless idiots incapable of making good decisions.
• Drive home in silence. When you get there, throw more things.
• Crash on bed in exhaustion and anger. Try to sleep. (Not possible.)
• Shower, head back to work. Try to act like you care about work. (Not possible.)
• Have first honest conversation about what happened with a trusted colleague. Cry for the first time.
• Contemplate hypocrisy of anyone who calls you “quiet” whose only attempts at opening a discourse last ten seconds maximum.
• Go home again and contemplate never coming back.
• Head back the next day anyway, knowing of no current openings for college graduates lying on their beds in the fetal position.
• Let things get to you that absolutely shouldn’t get to you.
• Finally learn thru the grapevine who got the promotion.
• Detest the situation even more now that you know it’s a good friend of yours.
• Hate the inevitable wedge it’s inevitably going to drive between the two of you.
• Do anything to get away from work, while at work. More aimless walking.
• While loving your friend and maintaining that it’s absolutely nothing personal, think about how much more experienced and qualified for the role you are.
• Consider the issue of geography, and that you managers are lazy. They’re not prone to wandering far from the comforts of the office. Your friend works closer. You work farther. Therefore, you’re less visible.
• Compare track records. Yours has a few blemishes, but you’re a proven leader who’s handled major responsibility. Now look at your friend’s. Not proven, not experienced… but theirs is squeaky clean. Conclude your managers must devalue experience and know-how in favor of a spotless record.
• Again, detest how screwed up it is that you’re weighing your friend’s relative merits against yours. They had nothing to do with this.
• Do something to cheer yourself up. Grill a steak. Drink a lot of beer.
• Wake up at four in the morning with massive indigestion from the aforementioned steak and beer. Don’t get back to sleep. Think more about work.
• Head back in. Make awkward small talk with a manager for the first time since hearing the news. Put on a brave face. Keep pretending it’s okay.
• Consider speaking to the particular manager whose decision this ultimately was. Decide not to, considering they’re probably not very sympathetic. They’ve lied to your face before, what’s to stop them from doing it again?
• Go home, get ready to start a long, painful weekend. Reconsider decision to avoid boss and head back into work to talk about what’s going on. Decide not to, considering it’s late, you’re tired and should probably take some time to outline the best talking points anyhow.
• After great soul searching (and sarcastic list making), identify that you’ve reached the point where job must turn into career, and you’re determined to make this happen regardless of whether or not current management is on board.
• Remember that you’re never trapped. Your options are always open. Quit moping and start exploring them.

what's curious george really like?

Maybe it's just me. Was it something I said? Am I really that boring/quiet/nerdy/intimidating/creepy/whatever that no one wants to be around me outside work? Or do people like me just suck at at the whole friendship thing?

I had this really, really great birthday celebration a few months back. I spent it literally doing nothing, another story in & of itself, with a few people who I care a lot about. And that night I was certain they cared about me in return. Five months have passed, and I've heard from two of those people since. On my own increasingly dwindling attempts to connect with other people I always get the same excuse: busy.

What, do you not think I'm not busy either? I work a full time job, have personal projects & Mousetrap on the side, yet it means enough to me to do so and I can still find room in my schedule for spending time with you. It doesn't matter when or how, I would get out of this chair this second and drive anywhere, do pretty much anything if somebody asked me to. (There's another problem: people only seem to like me if I can do them a favor. "What have you done for me lately?" is pretty much the story of my life.)

Anyway, I'm not an idiot. i hear the stories, I have a Flickr account and a MySpace profile, I know "hanging out" is taking place. Without me. Being lied to about it is what hurts the most.

It's hard to justify paying $65 a month for a cell phone that nobody calls me on. Except for Disneyland scheduling.

extended downtimes, starbucks and abdominal pain get me thinking

I'm absolutely through with Christine. Like, want nothing to do with her-level through. I've been avoiding her for the last three months. The last time I saw her, things ended on nearly the most awkward note imaginable. I was actually thinking while it was happening, "Oh my God, I can't believe I'm heading down this road again." I know where it goes, and I really didn't like it the first time anyway. What would be the point of revisiting this territory?

My mom called me while we were hanging out that night. When we talked later that week she asked if we were together again. I wanted to throw up in my mouth a little bit.

We had slipped into an arrangement that was very convenient and satisfying, but one I was growing increasingly uncomfortable with. Everything about it seemed completely wrong, but perhaps as a testament to her prowess, Christine is a difficult habit to break. It was tough when she asked for help picking out lingerie in Las Vegas. The one night before Christmas was even tougher. But the hardest was when she showed up at my apartment one night after work with the express purpose of "kidnapping" me for private time in her hotel suite. I pulled the shades and hid under my bed covers until she left.

I think she's got the idea. Her photos on Flickr clearly document that event invitations I used to get are now going to other people, and it sounds like she's romantically linked to someone else. I sort of miss being spoiled with the trips and concert tickets, and at certain weak moments I think back on times with her. Interestingly enough, she introduced me to "The Office." She's a lot like the character Jan -- highly successful and powerful, yet utterly self-conscious and increasingly unstable.

But I'm no Michael Scott. I think I'm most like Ryan. And as he eloquently put it to Kelly, "You and I are done."

equal parts cyclical and unpredictable

I'm very proud of this blog. (I pause to admire the conceitedness of this statement.)

Really, though. Some time has passed since my last entry, but the ones that precede this one don't embarass me to read. I scroll down the page and I'm reminded exactly where my head was during the first half of last year. A massive falling out with a best friend. An "eviction" and two moves in two months. A job that I loved and loathed in equal parts. A bright idea that I saw through to realization.

In the past I abandoned old blogs after I felt the storyline they documented had concluded, which was typically right around the end of the school year (good ones) or the semester (bad ones). This, my first post-graduate blog, I thought was finished once July 19th of last year passed without incident. An awful year survived, rotten memories wiped off my conscience. But while progress through college is marked neatly by academic years, terms, drop days, vacations, exams and commencements, real life tends to continue barreling at you indiscriminately, whether you're ready or not.

By August 2nd, a bad night again landed me in dislike with cast and in trouble with management. Shades of the same old shit... summers have become the season of my insurmountable frustration. I was wrong for thinking an anniversary marked the end of a problem. Forget about what you overcome for a second, and it comes right back to haunt you.

A lot has happened, and I suppose I'll eventually elaborate upon some of it, but thinking about the challenges I struggled through last year, I realize I find myself back in the same places as before. Dissatisfied with my living situation. Near the brink of fallout with roommates. Increasingly disillusioned and unhappy at work. Still working on a bright idea that needs to be seen through to realization.

I do believe it's time to resume chasing the mice in my skull.